A Man in his Sixties - Men's Passages

In this newsletter:
- A Man in his Sixties
- Men's Passages
- Estate planning
- Medicare enrollment
- AARP - Brooke Shields
- Top 5 killers in your sixties
- Family photo

A Man in his Sixties

“Life offers many rich and varied seasons through the forties and fifties and into the sixties and seventies and can still be active and productive in the eighties, even the nineties – for those who find new channels to express their passion and who feel they are making a difference.”
-Gail Sheehy, Understanding Men’s Passages

Two concepts to emphasize from Sheehy’s quote:
- “who find new channels to express their passion”
- “who feel they are making a difference”

It reminds me of what I said in my Finding Meaning newsletter. 

I feel my life has meaning if I serve a Purpose. I keep this equation in mind:

Purpose = Passion + Expertise + Need

- Passion is something you truly enjoy.
- Expertise is something you are good at.
- Need is making a difference for others.

Again, "Life offers many rich and varied seasons, even into our nineties, if we find channels to express our passion and feel we are making a difference."

While it would be nice if we could always just focus on our passions, it doesn’t really work that way. There will always be other things to attend to.

For example, three things stood out for me last week:
- Medicare enrollment... my first time.
- Estate planning... updating my plan.
- AARP magazine... Brooke Shields (hold your horses fellas).

I will elaborate on these below.

But first I want to mention this book I stumbled across a week ago.

In her book, Understanding Men's Passages (1999), author Gail Sheehy guides modern men through both the "male malaise" and the "rich seasons" after midlife. I was attracted to the book for its depth of empirical research and the structured approach to life after our forties and beyond.

Men’s Passages

Here are some of the things she shares in her Author’s Note and elsewhere in the book:

“The vision that informs this book grew out of an experience with my husband. When his exhilarating career as a magazine editor began to wind down, he spent two years moping around and trying to find the opening to a new passage. He tried consulting, thought about writing a book, monitored his investments. But he was only going through the motions…He needed to focus not on what was wrong with him but on what was right with him. He needed a new dream.”

Gail Sheehy and her husband, Clay Felker, two New Yorkers, left the familiarity of the East Coast – family, friends, colleagues – and moved to Berkeley, California where Clay became director of a new magazine center at UC Berkeley, Graduate School of Journalism.

“If you continually introduce new learning situations and put yourself at some risk, even an older, developed brain can sprout new foliage and make new neural connections. What’s more, it is far too easy as we reach middle life to get stuck in the same circle of friends, where you know what they’re going to say before you go to the party. Clay felt his mind growing sharper from being exposed to a very different ethos than that of the East Coast.”

“This wasn’t an easy book to write. At some primitive level I felt anxious about wading into the most private corners of men’s lives and reporting what I found there, for better or worse…When men do talk about their inner experience, they use curse words, they don’t spare feelings, they reveal hells and furies that wives and daughters cannot imagine them holding inside. Most women don’t want to go into that pit.”

“My mission is to be a recorder and conduit, a proponent of the possible, and a catalyst for action among men who want to capture a second life…Radical changes have taken place so swiftly that many men were willing to unburden themselves to a woman writer – once assured it would be in a male-bashing-free environment. I felt group interviews to be particularly valuable with men…The very act of turning out for a group discussion showed that they were still probing, open, looking for new solutions."

“Men don’t understand women, but at least they know it. Women don’t understand men, but they don’t know it…The presumption among women is that they know what’s wrong with their men, and that they could fix it if only men would listen.”

“It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to men than to women. My research over the past eight years has revealed a surprising reversal: many men 40 and over are having a harder time today making a satisfying passage into the second half of their lives than are most women.”

“Hundreds of men have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden subjects: their concerns about aging, the ebbing of physical strength and athletic prowess, their fears of losing their jobs and their fathers, the meaning crisis they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working wives, their wish to be closer to their children before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the whole question of potency in all areas of their lives.”

“When I ask men if they ever talk over these questions with their male friends, they almost always shake their heads: No.”

“This male malaise has no name. It is a dark continent. Most men don’t recognize – or refuse to accept – that they continue to go through different stages throughout their adult lives. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to look inward…It is necessary to let go of a little control during these times of passage so that an old shell can be sloughed off and space made for a yeasty, multidimensional ‘new self’ to grow.”

“Transitional periods are always unsettling, for anybody. But a lack of awareness makes it more likely that a man may slide into depression and do all sorts of self-destructive things.”

“Depressive illness among men in middle and later life is not some trendy phenomenon born of the pressures of modern life…When men move into their sixties, their suicide rate soars above that of women. Men committed 81 percent of the suicides among older Americans in 1996, a rate that is rising after decades of declining. Of the four leading risk factors for suicide, according to a 1996 federal study, depression is number one, followed by alcohol abuse, social isolation, and physical illness. This level of depression is more likely to be reached after 60 and in later stages of life…Certain defenses and adjustments that were healthy and that worked satisfactorily at earlier stages – immersion in work or physically demanding sports – may no longer be relevant. And palliatives that may have been tolerated by the body, such as chronic drinking or overeating, may suddenly backfire.”

“Men are five times more likely than women to use alcohol and drugs to reduce the sad feeling of depression…Depression in men is a swallowed grief.”

Maybe I'm more attuned to it these days, but lately I've come across a lot of these issues with men I know. I see it in my friends, family, men's groups members, the gym, and elsewhere.

Sheehy says the midpoint of adulthood is now at 50 years old. Her book offers a bright outlook for men, an opportunity of another life that extends even into our 80s and 90s. She calls this our “Second Adulthood.”

For me personally, one of the best ways to confront the challenge of being in my sixties is to talk to other men, as I discussed in my Men's Group newsletter.

We have a choices and options about how to respond to the malaise that can grip so many men.  

A week in the life of a 65 year old

As I said above, it would be nice if we could always just focus on our passions. But that's not how it works.

Next month, I'll be turning 65. Amazing.

Getting older is a lot of work. A lot of paperwork too.

Three things stood out for me last week:
- Estate planning... updating my plan.
- Medicare enrollment... for the first time.
- AARP magazine... Brooke Shields :)

Estate planning
 

While I do have a will in place, I figured I better get my act together and hire a talented lawyer to set up a formal estate plan. I know I'm more likely to die in my 60s than ever before and with some big travel plans ahead I needed to get my ass in gear.

I have friends with stories of their parents passing away without any proper estate planning. When that happens, bad things can become of siblings.

Here's the result of improper planning: Money + Family = nasty fighting

As a Florida resident, these are the documents I have sitting in draft form on my desk. I'll be speaking with my lawyer soon to take this to the finish line.

The six documents encompass 75 pages not including various attachments:

1. Last Will and Testament

2. Revocable Trust

3. Durable Power of Attorney

4. Designation of Health Care Surrogate

5. Living Will Declaration

6. Declaration of Preneed Guardian

The key decisions for me are: 1) who will be named my trustees, successors, and personal representative, and 2) who gets what.

My suggestion on this topic is get it going sooner rather than later. 

Medicare enrollment
 

It’s time for me to enroll in Medicare.

The window to enroll is 7 months long. It includes your 65^th birthday month, plus the 3 months before and the 3 months after.

Here is information I pulled from my latest Social Security Statement. It’s dated March 21, 2024, exactly three months from my 65^th birthday.

Medicare is a federal health insurance program for people in the U.S. age 65 or older.
There are different parts to the Medicare program.
Social Security enrolls people in Parts A and B. Private insurance companies take applications for Part C, Part D, and Medigap.

- Part A (Hospital Insurance) – For Inpatient care in a hospital or limited time in a nursing facility.
- Part B (Medical Insurance) – For doctors, outpatient care, home care, etc. After you meet your deductible for the year, you typically pay 20% for most of these services.
- Part D (Prescription Drug Coverage) – For prescriptions and vaccines.
- Medigap (Medicare Supplemental Insurance Program) – Extra insurance paid to a private company to help pay your share of costs in Medicare.
- Medicare Part C (Medicare Advantage) – It’s a “bundled” plan offered by private companies that covers the same as Part A and B, usually Part D, and, depending on the plan, possibly vision, hearing, dental.

You can learn more here: Social Security - Medicare.

You might want to mark your calendar for this exciting episode in life.

Disclosure: I honestly have very little knowledge about how it all works. 

Speaking of being in your sixties, the current issue of AARP magazine has some interesting articles for those in their 60s.

AARP magazine – Brooke Shields

AARP = American Association of Retired Persons. I've been on their mailing list for like 10 years already. And I have zero plans for retiring. But that's okay, I appreciate their work very much.

Remember Brooke Shields? She's on the cover of the current issue of AARP magazine. (I'm still in love with her, by the way)

This is great news. It means we are not the only ones growing up.

The article on Brooke talks about her life, and her latest initiative to launch "Beginning is Now," a digital platform for beauty and wellness advice for women over 40. I hope it's a huge success.

Top five killers of people in their 60s

This issue of AARP magazine has an article on "the five top killers of people in their 60s," according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Here’s a summary from the AARP magazine and suggestions for lowering the risks.

Risk #1 – Cancer
The average age of a cancer diagnosis is 66.

Suggestions:
1. Get the screenings you need. Which ones? Depends on lifestyle and family history. Talk to your doctor.
2. Get vitamins from plants – fresh fruit and vegetables, lots of variety.
3. Take brisk walks.
4. Worry less

Risk #2 – Heart Disease
The most common age for a first heart attach is 65 for men, 72 for women. Three in four people will experience a cardiovascular incident after age 60. The good news is the death rate from heart disease has been falling for decades because of better lifestyles.

Suggestions:
1. Know your numbers. Regularly check your blood pressure, cholesterol, and glucose levels.
2. Hit the trail. Even after a lifetime of inactivity, a daily brisk walk (not a casual stroll). Work up to 40 minutes a day, five days a week.
3. Don’t skip breakfast. Studies show that adults who eat a healthy breakfast are less likely to die of a heart-related episode. Think of healthy things like eggs, rolled oats, yogurt, fresh fruit. Not pastry.
4. Make time for sex. Especially where you feel emotionally supported. Isn't this great? Lol.

Risk #3 – Respiratory illness (Covid, flu, pneumonia).
Between the ages of 65 and 74, the chance of dying from these is six times higher than those in their 40s. Our immune systems are weaker the older we get.

Suggestions:
1. Practice slow breathing through your nose. Breathing through your mouth exposes you to everything in the air. Nose breathing is deeper, and slower, sending signals to your nervous system to calm down. Try six seconds inhaling through the nose, six seconds exhaling through the nose.
2. Get vaccinated.
3. Sit up straight. This helps stretch the ligaments around the rib cage.
4. Invest in an air filter. Air purifiers can filter out most harmful particles.
5. Get at least 600 IU of vitamin D every day. It’s good for boosting immunity and may reduce inflammation.

Risk #4 – Unintentional Injuries
The most likely cause is unintentional poisoning – primarily from overdoses and drug interactions. It’s a matter of addiction and “polypharmacy” (being on multiple medications that interact).

Suggestions:
1. Understand how vulnerable you are. Drugs and alcohol affect us differently as we age. We metabolize them more slowly, increasing their toxicity.
2. Appoint your own drug czar. Bring your list of all medications too your primary care physician. This is important if you see multiple specialist doctors.
3. Treat pain and sleep disorders naturally. Physical therapy, yoga, and CBD are good for chronic pain. Turmeric and ginger help with arthritis.
4. Get out and see people. Opioids and benzodiazepines are correlated with loneliness. People in your life can notice when things are amiss.

Risk #5 – Diabetes
Nearly 30 percent of people over 65 have diabetes.

Suggestions:
1.Go big at breakfast. Whole grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, fish can lower the risk of type diabetes. Plant-based foods are massively better than processed foods.
2. Digest with a walk. Regular walking after meals significantly reduces diabetes risk.
3. Sleep smart. Seven to eight hours. Not much less and not much more is best.
4. Take prediabetes seriously. Almost half of adults over 65 have prediabetes, with high blood glucose levels. It’s a good idea to monitor your blood glucose levels.

Conclusion

“Don’t retire, redirect.”
-Gail Sheehy, Understanding Men’s Passages

 
I agree with Sheehy.

Retire (verb)
Here are some Synonyms & Similar Words, from Merriam-Webster:
Settle, sleep, dismiss, remove, terminate, axe, pink-slip, withdraw, fall back

I don't like the sound of any of those synonyms. I plan to continue to redirect my energy.
As I've said before, "the sound of retirement scares me more than death."

Last week, I received word that my 90-year-old uncle (my mom's big brother by 11 months) has entered hospice care. We don't have much time left.
Soon, I'll be heading west for his eventual funeral. I'll be taking my 85-year-old aunt (my uncle's little sister) with me. She lives in California.

After that, I'll be doing some more travel - to Boston for personal business matters, and then to Asia for some exploring and adventure over the summer.
Therefore, I'm kind of in a state of limbo at the moment.

Thank you for reading!

Be well,

Peter Pavlina

Here's a family photo of us in the 1960s in Palos Verdes, California at my grandmother's house. My mother used to tell me Brooke Shields looks like her boys. She always wanted a daughter.
I'm standing in the back in the photo. Do you see the resemblance? I don't. Lol.