Holidays - Wonderful & Stressful

In this newsletter:
- Holidays - Wonderful & Stressful
- Sources of holiday stress
- Holiday Industrial Complex
- Distance brings clarity

Holidays - Wonderful & Stressful

Hello from Ko Tao, Thailand, a tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand.

I hope you are enjoying the holidays. After all,

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
- Andy Williams, The Andy Williams Christmas Album

Indeed, it’s such a wonderful time of the year.

But let’s be honest. The holidays can also be a minefield of stress and pressure, especially for those juggling lots of responsibilities.

For many, it can be the most stressful time of the year. I can relate.

It’s amazing how well you can see something the farther you are away from it.

From Thailand, far away from the holiday rush in the U.S., I can see more clearly the stress of the holidays. I don’t miss the holiday rush feeling.

What are your plans for the holidays? Did you get invited to that party? We did. If you weren’t invited there must be something wrong with you.

Have you decided yet who you’ll invite to your holiday party? You’re not having a party? Why not?

The relatives are coming over. Are you ready? We need to put on a good performance, show them everything is perfect. So put on a happy face.

If you haven’t sent out your holiday cards yet, you’re late. You need to measure up to everyone else.

How about those holiday cards from all those friends and neighbors with seemingly perfect lives? And the letters that often come with them. So much exaggeration.

Let’s hold off on scheduling those obligations “until after the holidays.” You know how many times I said that or heard someone else say that? Sometimes it’s even hard to think straight in the thick of the holidays.

Waiting until after the holidays for work, home, school, gym, travel, and other commitments. So much gets put on hold because of the holidays.

We often pretend the holidays are joyous and enjoyable. A lot of it is. And a lot of it isn’t.

A year ago, I wrote about our love-hate relationship with Christmas. I quoted film historian Jeremy Arnold:

"No matter what our attitude is to Christmas, we all have a love-hate relationship with it. It can inspire great highs, joy, love, togetherness. It can heighten feelings of loneliness, emptiness, wistfulness, alienation, cynicism. Sometimes, we can go through variations of these emotions on a daily basis when it gets closer to Christmas." 

I remember hardly waiting for the holidays to be over. It seemed like everyone could hardly wait.

I recall, for the month or two after the holidays, receiving emails, or sending emails with “I hope you enjoyed the holidays.” Oh please. Give me a break.

I never replied with the truth: “You have no idea how happy I am the holidays are over.”

Oh, another thing about emails. Be careful not to say “Merry Christmas” at the end of an email to the wrong people. Many people don’t celebrate Christmas. Just say “Happy Holidays.” It’s safer.

And then, buying gifts to put under the Christmas tree for our four kids, we needed to equalize both the dollar amount of gifts per kid, AND the quantity of gifts per kid. This is not simple math. It’s complicated. Simultaneous equations.

And you don’t get to include the cost of college education in these calculations. They don’t count. The kids are entitled to their expensive education.

I remember after my divorce, when people would ask me “what are you doing for the holidays,” I had a script committed to memory that gave an upbeat, positive response. Usually it was a lie.

God forbid if I answered with “uh, I have no plans.” That would be embarrassing.

While I enjoyed a martini watching the holiday bliss, the gin took the edge off of the undertow of stress as Christmas approached. I have so much to do, how will I get everything done.

Bartender, another martini please.

Sources of holiday stress 

As I sit here in Thailand, I look back and think about all the sources of holiday stress I have experienced.

Financial pressure
Expectations from family and social circles about spending on gifts, parties, travel, charitable donations, decorations, and alumni contributions (remember, you can see where your contribution ranks relative to your classmates').

Time management
Balancing everything is a challenge. End-of-year business matters, finishing projects, closing deals, hitting annual goals. At the same time, trying to meet obligations with family, attending social events, travel planning, neighbors, church. I get tired just thinking about those days.

Family expectations
The pressure to make it the best Christmas ever for the kids and spouse, and navigating twisted family dynamics with in-laws, estranged relatives, etc.

Emotional strain
Cultural narratives that say we need to be the responsible one, the provider, planner, protector in business, home, and community can take a toll. We often suppress our emotions and well-being to prioritize others’ happiness.

Physical health
Overindulgence in unhealthy foods and drinking in the spirit of the holidays and then skipping regular exercise is not a great way to start the new year. Why do you think gyms are most crowded in the three weeks after New Year’s?

Societal expectations
The roles we play can be exhausting. The perfect host, the generous gift-giver, the present family member, the loyal church member, the reliable alum.

I don’t know why we do this to ourselves. But it's not just us. Society and vested interests play a huge part.

The Holiday Industrial Complex

The holidays are a big industry.

Retailers, travel companies, food and beverage industries, advertisers, and entertainment groups all conspire to profit from the holidays.

I call this the Holiday Industrial Complex.

Black Friday, Cyber Monday, holiday discounts, and other marketing strategies underscore how deeply ingrained this economic machine is in Western society.

The holidays are painted as a time when consumption can bring happiness. Songs and films equate love and joy with spending and materialism.

Smart marketing pressures us to think buying expensive gifts is synonymous with love.

It promotes the fake “buy happiness” narrative that creates financial strain and discontent.

The concept of an industrial complex is not new.

Military Industrial Complex
In 1961, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower coined the term in his Farewell Address to the U.S. when he warned about the detrimental effects on the nation of the relationship between corporate defense contractors, the government’s armed forces, and politicians. Learn more here. Many people believe the relationship influences public policy and encourages war.  

Wedding Industrial Complex
Think of all the businesses that benefit from the societal pressure many people feel to get married. Wedding planners, dressmakers, jewelers, caterers, hotels, photographers, hair stylists, magazine publishers, etc. Promoting marriage and the notion of “living happily ever after” is a big industry. A came across this article about the Wedding Industrial Complex.

Distance brings clarity

Being far away from a place helps us see it better.

With distance, we can see how petty many of our past concerns really were in the grand scheme of things.

Being in Thailand, away from the high-pressure environment of Western holiday culture, has given me a clearer lens to see the stress of the holidays.

Thailand’s Buddhist approach to life is very different. It’s much calmer and less commercialized than the West. From here, it’s easier to see how excessive and stress-inducing Western traditions can be.

Personally, I believe the gifts we received from Buddha are more valuable than the gifts we get from Santa Claus. 

Living outside of my home culture, I have escaped the relentless messaging of consumerism, media hype, and societal rituals.

Being away, I can see the intensity and, at times, the toxicity of the pressures.

Conclusion

Responsibilities and immersion in the holiday rush are behind me now.

If I allow myself, I can get stressed out just thinking about the holidays.

It’s amazing how much stress we put ourselves under in the spirit of “the most wonderful time of the year.”

As I reflect on this, I feel a rising sense of freedom from the holiday rush.

The good news is there are ways to mitigate holiday stress.

Set a budget, streamline gift-giving, communicate with your family, map out your calendar, politely say no to some invitations, don’t overcommit, take care of yourself, talk to your friends who have similar responsibilities, exercise regularly, prioritize rest time, and control the food and alcohol consumption.

Self-control.

Start the new year in good shape – mentally, physically, spiritually.

As you enjoy the holidays, listening to lovely Christmas music, know that I am having a calm, peaceful time here in Ko Tao.

Thank you for reading!

Be well,

Peter Pavlina