Men's Group, Solitude is Luminous

In this newsletter:
- Men's Group Meeting
- Solitude is Luminous
- Sins of the Unlived Life
- Georges Homsi - Transformation Coach
- A Blessing of Solitude

Men's Group Meeting

I recently had coffee with a friend here near the beach. He told me about his rise…and fall. He said he hit bottom. That’s where he is now.

He’s running out of money, business is not good, girlfriend left him, strong feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

He invited me to his men’s group weekly meeting. I had never been to such a meeting. Too scary. Besides, I was too manly for that kind of thing.

I grew up in a macho household of four boys, with a father who grew up in a macho household of three boys, whose dad grew up in a macho household in Dubrovnik (Croatia). At home, we didn’t talk about wimpy things like our feelings and emotions.

Hitting bottom can be a dark place. At the same time, it could be illuminating; a place where one can focus the mind.

At the bottom, you can’t go lower. And with some effort, you can only go up. 

I did not hesitate to say yes at my friend’s invitation. It was an honor to be invited. A privilege. 

As a maturing man, I figured the worst thing that could happen to me if I attended the meeting was, I’d learn something new.

My hunch was this experience would open portals to new growth opportunities for me personally, a catalyst for new ways of thinking.

I might have to expose my weaknesses, drag up some of my own dirt, or share some of my wounds.

But I know that exposing vulnerability is actually a strength. It takes courage to lay it all out on the table, while the rewards can be transformative.

Though Dad was a macho kind of guy, he did offer a lot of us many lessons. See Eulogy for Dad - 19 Lessons.

So, on Wednesday morning last week, I attended my first ever men’s group meeting. There were nine guys there.

It was a beautiful eye-opener. The topics of discussion were far-reaching: addiction, belonging, business, family, estrangement, success, jealousy, insecurity, sex, women, hitting bottom, and plant-based medicines (psilocybin, ayahuasca).

Men need other men

For Well-Being, men need other men, especially our friends. 

When I was going through my divorce fourteen years ago, my male friends became my therapists. I especially benefited from my time with Ben, Rick, and Francis. They were always there for me.

I did, by the way, see a couple real therapists back then but that didn’t last. I gained far more just by talking with guys, friends who could relate to me. It's about Meaningful Intimacy - Pillar 5 of the 9 Pillars.

Disappointingly, one of the therapists I saw tried to fraudulently overcharge me. I caught him. A couple years ago I looked him up. He was forced to surrender his license to the American Psychological Association for having sex with his female clients.

We make better decisions when we talk to other men, our friends, buddies, peers. 

Our true friends are honest with us. They challenge our assumptions. Force us to rethink what we believe. Ask us uncomfortable questions. 

Especially now, in our hyperconnected world, it’s important we spend face-to-face time with other men.

Thanks to my yogi buddy, I’m beginning to learn more about men's groups.

We gain a lot of benefits by being part of a men's group that meets regularly, at a dedicated meeting place, where guys can open up and talk freely about anything.

Benefits of a Men’s Group

- Camaraderie – Like being on the same team. It becomes a brotherhood.

- Community – Feeling like other guys want us there.

- Acceptance – We can be ourselves without judgement.

- Accountability – A good place to express goals and be reminded of them.

- Self-reflection – Self-awareness and personal development.

- Learning – Listening to other men’s perspectives and experiences brings wisdom.

- Trust – Sharing personal, confidential experiences creates bonds and connections.

- Reduces stress – Simply sharing problems and offering support improves emotional and mental health.

- Power – Being with supportive allies builds our strength, makes us stronger.

- Re-initiation - It's a place where, in a sense, we can become reborn, a fresh initiation into manhood.

Being part of a men's group on a regular basis can invite deep soul-searching. It can also encourage a cleaner, healthier lifestyle that makes it easier to resist negative distractions.

Time spent with other men in an open, yet confidential space can heighten the appetite for post-meeting solitude, silence, and self-exploration; it inspires us to ask ourselves, is this the life we should be living? Are we on the right path?

I know a lot of men who are strung out, distracted, and disheveled. I believe a lot of this is because of modern culture, much of which can be explained by the absence of silence.

As I was thinking about the men’s group meeting, and all men for that matter, I recalled things John O'Donohue wrote in Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom about solitude and the "unlived life."

I have mentioned O'Donohue in previous newsletters. I love his work.

It seems so many men are living someone else's life, trying to live up to an image, or the standards of other people, perhaps because of diminished self-introspection. 

O’Donohue said, "When you acknowledge the integrity of your solitude, and settle into its mystery, your relationships with others take on a new warmth, adventure and wonder."

Solitude is Luminous

One of O’Donohue’s great influences, the German mystic, Meister Eckhart, believed that "nothing resembles God like silence."

From Anam Cara:

“There is an unprecedented spiritual hunger in our times. More and more people are awakening to the inner world. A thirst and hunger for the eternal is coming alive in their souls; this is a new form of consciousness. Yet one of the damaging aspects of this spiritual hunger is the way it sees everything in such a severe and insistent light. The light of modern consciousness is not gentle or reverent; it lacks graciousness in the presence of mystery; it wants to unriddle and control the unknown. Modern consciousness is similar to the harsh and brilliant white light of a hospital operating theater. This neon light is too direct and clear to befriend the shadowed world of the soul. It is not hospitable to what is reserved and hidden. The Celtic mind had a wonderful respect for the mystery and depth of the individual soul.”

“A special destiny was prepared for you. But you were also given freedom and creativity to go beyond the given, to make a new set of relationships and to forge an ever new identity, inclusive of the old but not limited to it. This is the secret pulse of growth, which is quietly at work behind the outer façade of your life. Destiny sets the outer frame of experience and life; freedom finds and fills its inner form.”

“You were sent to a shape of destiny in which you would be able to express the special gift you bring to the world. Sometimes this gift may involve suffering and pain that can neither be accounted for nor explained. There is a unique destiny for each person.”

“It is in the depths of your life that you will discover the invisible necessity that has brought you here. When you begin to decipher this, your gift and giftedness come alive.”

“If you awaken this sense of destiny, you come into rhythm with your life. You fall out of rhythm when you renege on your potential and talent, when you settle for the mediocre as a refuge from the call.”

“One of the greatest enemies of spiritual belonging is the ego. The ego does not reflect the real shape of one’s individuality. The ego is the false self born out of fear and defensiveness.”

“One of the greatest conflicts in life is the conflict between the ego and the soul. The ego is threatened, competitive, and stressed, whereas the soul is drawn more toward surprise, spontaneity, the new and the fresh. Real soul has humor, irony, and no obsessive self-seriousness.”

“Freud and Jung illuminated the vast complexity of the soul. The person is no simple, one-dimensional self. There is a labyrinth within the soul.”

“Solitude is one of the most precious things in the human spirit. It is different from loneliness. When you are lonely, you become acutely conscious of your own separation. Solitude can be a homecoming to your own deepest belonging.”

“You relate to your inner world through thought. If these thoughts are not your own thoughts, then they are secondhand thoughts. Each of us needs to learn the unique language of our own soul.”

“If you are afraid of your solitude, or if you only meet your solitude with entrenched or impoverished thought, you will never enter your own depth. It is a great point of growth in your life when you allow what is luminous within to awaken you. This may be the first time that you actually see yourself as you are. The mystery of your presence can never be reduced to your role, actions, ego, or image.”

“Ascetic solitude involves silence. And silence is one of the great victims of modern culture. We live in an intense and visually aggressive age; everything is drawn outward toward the sensation of the image.”

“One of the reasons so many people are suffering from stress is not that they are doing stressful things but that they allow so little time for silence. A fruitful solitude without silence and space is inconceivable.” 

Sins of the Unlived Life

Also, from Anam Cara:

“In the Western tradition, we were taught many things about the nature of negativity and the nature of sin, but we were never told that one of the greatest sins is the unlived life. We are sent into the world to live to the full everything that awakens within us and everything that comes toward us. It is a lonely experience to be at the deathbed of someone who is full of regret; to hear him say how he would love another year to do the things his heart had always dreamed of but believed he could never do until he retired. He had always postponed the dream of his heart. There are many people who do not live the lives they desire. Many of the things that hold them back from inhabiting their destiny are false. These are only images in their minds. They are not real barriers at all. We should never allow our fear or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny.”

Attending the men's group and rereading John O'Donohue's work reminded me of some conversations I had with my friend, Georges Homsi. 

Georges Homsi – Transformation Coach

Meet my friend Georges Homsi, transformation coach.

He is based in Nice, France.

Georges' work is dedicated to helping people transform areas of their lives which are currently seeming difficult (business, relationships, confusion, anxiety, etc.).

He teaches us that the root of all unwanted conditions in our lives is emotion. If we manage our emotions and core beliefs, we can transform our circumstances.

He offers a free first-time session by videoconference to anyone who asks.

You can learn more here:

Georges Homsi - website

Georges Homsi - LinkedIn

A Blessing of Solitude
(From Anam Cara)

May you recognize in your life the presence,
power, and light of your soul.

May you realize that you are never alone,
that your soul in its brightness and belonging
connects you intimately with the rhythm of the
   universe.

May you have respect for your individuality and
     difference.

May you realize that the shape of your soul is
     unique,
that you have a special destiny here,
that behind the façade of your life
there is something beautiful and eternal happening.

May you learn to see your self
with the same delight,
pride, and expectation
with which God sees you in every moment. 

Resources:
Here are some Men's Groups resources I learned about from some friends.
ManKind Project
Jordan Gray - Men's Group
MensGroup - Men's Organizations

HELP - I welcome any input you might have regarding men's groups organizations that I can share with the tribe. Feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thanks!

Thank you for reading!

Be well,

Peter Pavlina