Who are your friends?

Friendships

John
Last week, my best friend from high school, John, visited me here on the beach for six days. He came from California, not far from where we grew up, to where I now live in Miami Beach. It was a fun visit.

John and I have been friends for over 50 years. We met when we were freshmen and lived across the street from each other. Our moms were good friends, as were our little brothers. We have experienced a lot of ups and downs together. And we have also discovered our similarities and differences. I’m looking forward to another 50 years. John thinks we’ll be dead by then.

John was an all-star athlete in high school; as a running back on our football team, he was the first to rush over 1,000 yards in a single season. As one of several linemen on the team, my job was to help John score touchdowns. He was also an awesome wrestler and hurdler on the track. He was popular and was voted the best-looking guy in the school. John got all the glory. But that’s okay. I got to be his friend.

To say we had a fun and eventful four years of high school would be an understatement. And the good times continued to roll after high school. We trained together and challenged each other in road races in the Bay Area, typically hitting sub 6-minute miles. And of course, we partied hard together afterwards to celebrate our achievements.  For the most part, we stayed out of trouble. But not entirely.

Life isn’t always a bed of roses. Sometimes tragedy strikes. The year after high school, John’s mom was killed in a car accident. His little brother died in his twenties. And over the years since then, we both watched our big brothers die slow deaths from decades of drug and alcohol use.

I’m not an expert on relationships but I do know what two people experience together can create a bond between them. Strong bonds are made in good times and bad times. Even though John and I can annoy each other, we know we can rely on one another in times of crisis thanks to our deep friendship. To this day, we talk weekly, sharing music, movie, workout, nutrition, and other healthy-living tips. At my dad’s funeral recently, John stood up and gave a eulogy.

 Peter and John
June 1977, Just graduated from High school

Peter and John
Sept 2023, Miami Beach

Harvard Happiness Study – TED Talk
The same day John flew back to California, I got this email from TED Talks: “What makes a good life?” Though I’m on the TED email list, I thought it was quite coincidental that I received this particular TED Talk link the same day John went home.

In this talk, which I've watched many times, the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development outlines some of the key findings from the long-running project that began in the 1930s. You may already be familiar with this talk. It’s had over 45 million views. If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend it. It’s 12 minutes long. Here is the link: What makes a good life

One of the key takeaways from the talk is that an important predictor of whether you age well and live a long and happy life is the strength of your relationships.

Why do we need our friends?
It is well-documented with robust research that people with strong relationships are healthier than those without them. Period. Here are some points from various sources:

-          Those with strong relationships tend to suffer less from chronic disease, mental illness, and memory decline.

-          Even in relationships with many ups and downs, people are healthier when they feel they can count on someone when the going gets tough.

-          People who seek to replace old colleagues with new friends after retiring are happier and healthier than those who leave work and place less emphasis on maintaining strong social networks.

-          Strong social bonds are considered by many mental health experts to play a causal (not to be confused with casual, a different word) role in long-term health and Well-Being. Thus, strong social bonds can cause improved Well-Being.

-          Being embedded in high-quality close relationships is associated with decreased risk for all-cause mortality and disease morbidities.

-          See this paper: Advancing social connection as a public health priority in the U.S.

-          In her book, Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie Ware lists Regret 4 as "I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends." I bought the book for my dad a year before he passed. He was a fast reader and thanked me for the book. Sitting out on the patio one evening, sipping our Manhattans, he told me he wished he'd stayed in touch with his friends. Here's the link to the book in case you are curious Top Five Regrets.

Friendships evolve
As we move through time, our social circles evolve. Life changes can bring about friendship changes. Old friends can drift away, new friends can drift in. Sometimes we need to recalibrate our social lives for better Well-Being.

Over time, our concept of friendship changes. When we are young, having a large circle of friends might be appealing. However, as we age, the quality and depth of friendships become more valuable.

Friendships are complex. When I think about my friendships, I ponder questions like, where do they begin, where do they end, what do we have in common, what do we do together, what do we talk about, how deep are our conversations, how are our philosophies similar and different.

To me, a good friend is someone I can call the moment crisis strikes. And depending on the crisis, I can call different friends. Turmoil in business can prompt me to call one friend, while a family problem can prompt me to call a different friend.

Looking back, I evaluate which friendships have made a positive or negative emotional impact, what lessons have I learned, what I value in a friendship, are there friendships worth rekindling, who do I have time for.

Eliminating unhealthy friendships promotes Well-Being. Ending a friendship can be taxing in the short-term but healthy in the long run. Just because you’ve been friends for a long time doesn't mean you need to remain friends. In my experience, friendships built on drinking and drugs are unstable, to say the least.

In the funny, dark comedy movie, The Banshees of Inisherin, set in Ireland, one of two lifelong Irish friends abruptly ends their relationship. Here’s the link The Banshees.

Speaking of Ireland, John and I are planning a trip to Ireland, where both our mothers have family roots. The weather is perfect for long runs and the pubs are world-renowned.

Taking inventory of existing friendships
Every now and then I spend time asking myself, who are my friends. Maybe it’s the nerdy accountant in me but I’ve even gone as far as to create spreadsheets to take inventory of my friendships.

I ask myself, which friendships energize or drain me, are they two-sided, is there mutual respect and understanding, do any cause me stress, anxiety, or impact my self-esteem. As we age, our priorities change. Do my existing friendships align with who I am now.

In my inventory assessment, I look at various junctures in my life like when I moved from California to Boston to Miami Beach, when I’ve changed careers, went through divorce, or gone from high school to college to graduate school. I think as we get older, we should be more selective in choosing our friends. Time is not infinite.

Making new friends is work but they are valuable
It's healthy to create new friendships. It takes effort and is an investment of time, but new friends can invigorate us.

And as I used to say to my children, if you want someone to become your friend, do this: SMILE, say HELLO, say their NAME, and be INTERESTED by asking them questions. Of course, my kids would just roll their eyes.

New friends can be found where we have common interests and through community involvement. We need to be proactive, recognizing that making the first move can be intimidating with the risk of rejection. But think in terms of action over hesitation.

New friends are found in unlikely places and with unlikely people. Replace screen time with people time. In stale relationships, it’s healthy to do something new together, go on long walks, or go to a game, or the beach, or share book ideas, or pick up a new sport like beach volleyball or pickleball.

Here's a big cheers to you and your friends!

Thank you for reading!

Be well,

Peter Pavlina